Excessive Measures
by Basched
Summary: Jayne's gone a little overboard on the weapons. Rayne. Post BDM


_Author's Note: _

_Hoo YA! My first Firefly fic…well actually that's a lie. I got into Firefly years ago, frequented the fox forum and made many shiny friends there. I was asked to do some stories for the site a while back and my fic "The Puzzle" actually went down nicely. However, over the years I've lapsed in going to the forum and I feel really bad about it. I shall attempt to go back....The original copies of my "puzzle" fic (and "A little problem") are lost…but I intend to rewrite them for here. In the meantime, I came up with this. _

_Now if any of you folks from that forum are reading this, many of you know I am a Mal supporter through and through…Captain Tightpants rules…however…I have recently grown to love Jayne just as much. This idea just crept into my head and it's taken me only a few hours to write…hope you like it._

_Ps. I will get back to my FFXII fic soon…honest…it's just the man they call Jayne has taken over. Plus also....total Rayne goodness in this one! (an' scuse any spelling wrongly of the chinese.)_

_**Excessive Measures**_

"Are youse listenin' t' me?"

She could only smile and giggle into the palm of her hand as it clamped over her mouth. She watched intensely as he waved every single precious piece he owned.

"We only takes whats we need, dong ma? Soes…first off, lil' star…Bette. Now she is mighty fine, light but small an' ease-lie concealed for them 'mergencies."

River saw him slip the small gun into the holster on his leg. It fit snuggly into the leather pouch that bound around his calf and when he pulled the material of his pants over the top, there was not a single sign of it showing through. Impressive.

"Bette tends t' go on ma left leg…whilst Middie goes on ma right! Can't be too careful…gotta have both the twins! Reliable as a whor-well thems never let me down yet, I tell ya."

Jayne proudly waved about an identical gun to the first, just as polished and sparkly bright, before hitching up his other pant leg and fitting the second piece into a matching holster. The swoosh of metal against leather was such a slick and, in River's mind, very enticing sound. She breathed in deeply, holding the breath in before releasing it with a satisfied sigh as he continued on without paying the slightest bit attention to her revelry.

"Donni, Eve, Georgia and Flo, they be complete diff'rent ladies all t'gether. You caint not brin' 'em along. These gal's scream power and will rip a new 'un for any poor hun dun that gets in their path. Now they be heavier than most, soes I tend to puts 'em evenly 'bout ma person. Dis-tro-bu-tin…as it was."

Jayne clipped the four guns to either side of his waist on his belt, two on the front and two on the back, his large calloused hands patting each one lovingly as they snap securely in place. His beaming eyes checked they were safe and sound and all River could do was beam a smiley smile and choke back her laugh. When Jayne Cobb was "teachin'" she really couldn't help but be drawn into his lectures. Every word, every important detail was absorbed, but she had tried on numerous occasions to tell him.

"She doesn't comprehend."

"Wist it, gal!" Jayne snapped, hating that she kept interrupting. "I'm tryin' to do somethin' important here!"

"Important to you…not to her. It's meaningless to her."

"Coz you knows it all already?"

She was going to say yes, but a bob of her head, her long dark curls flopping over her face, was response enough. Not that he cared much anyhow. Jayne Cobb was in full flow.

"Now…ya caint ever have too much. But in this situation, you always gotta take Halle! She never jammed on me through all the years I own'd her. Clean…pree-cise an' dee-cep-tive! People don't sees her as threatenin' so she goes right here…" Jayne clipped another gun to the harness that strapped over his shoulders. "Look how all innocent she be…..ain't she just shiny? But don't go dissin' her…she packs a mean shot and can take outta man with just a soft squeeze of her underbelly! Sweet all the way hon. That's why I alsoes take extra clips a ammo for her, she's easy t' reload and bam bam bam! Perfection!"

"Jayne….she is not interested."

"Crazy lil' moonbrain, did we not talk 'bout this?"

"We did and….."

"And did ya not agree that youse would allow me t' put in ma say?"

River clamped shut her mouth, placing her hand once again over her lips to conceal her mirth. It was only feasible for him to tell her what he knew, he was responsible for seeing to her education, not that she needed it.

"Good…glad wes'are under-stand-in'. Now! Philli and Sal!"

It was as if he was a young boy once again. There was no stopping the joy and pride as he showed off everything from Philli, Sal, Christy, Angie, Georgie and Annie; he explained exactly why he needed all these gals, citing previous heists and how they had saved his "ruttin' bacon." He even went in to descriptive details on how to stash such weapons upon a person.

"Annie goes down the back of me…"

"Is that why your posterior is always so warm and sweaty?"

"Hey!" Jayne scowled and jabbed the gun in question right in River's face. "Annie don't go anywhere near….ain't nuffin' kinky or wotnot! Don't choo go thinkin' I'm into that go sae!"

"I'm sure."

Jayne sneered and tugged at the hem of his favourite yellow t-shirt. It was already far too tight over his muscular frame, but with the weapons harness and holsters all over him, River failed to see what such a useless action would do. He was a little (a little???) hacked off with her teasing, but she knew that he would never have his prized possessions dissed in such a dis-tasteful manner. Seeing the way he cleaned and oiled them to beyond obsessive attention, plus her Reader abilities, River knew that he treasured them a way that most people couldn't even begin to comprehend.

There was only one weapon that he would ever conceive to be…"kinky"….with.

"This is non productive and unnecessary." she uttered.

"Says who?" he barked as he then picked up several long knives from the wall.

"Surely you can see that your words are lost on her, there is no conceivable way she would ever understand your infatuation."

"Gorramit woman, you says it helps to learn stuff…I'm learnin' all kinds-a news every day, so I'm puttin' ma werfs in. Stop gripin' and lemme finish!" Jayne held his favourite knife across his chest, stroking the unblemished silvery blade lavishly; the tips of his fingers just brushed against it in a manner that, if he touched too much, it would ruin its perfection. "This here is Yasmin! Viscious, opinionated but so beautiful! She aint afraid of cuttin' deep an' don't ever be afraid to use her…a great al-lie an' plus she scares bad guys real mean like! She's deadly if youse don't treat her right."

River was going to ask him about Leah and Daphne when there was a hard, loud booming thud against the door to Jayne's bunk.

"JAYNE! We're off the boat in five minutes! Don't be messin' with my timetable!"

The hiss of detest seethed with spittle through the merc's clenched teeth, but River was surprised his hate of Mal's "pesterin'" didn't last long. He slipped Yasmin, Leah and Daphne into the appropriate sheaths on his person, patting them with affection as he did with all his guns, before lowering his voice. From out of nowhere he had held up a long black leather belt and bowed his head down low.

"Now, I'm gonna tell ya this, lil' star…time and time again. We don't ever listen to Mal when it concerns these babies! Always, an' I means always, take grenades! Don't take no for an answer!"

Jayne had a little difficulty when he tried to wrap the grenade belt around the other two weapon belts already cosy around his middle, but with a few modifications and adjustments, River saw that he had quite adequately arranged them for maximum efficiency in a fight. She could see with crystal clear clarity in her mind, how easily those weapons could be taken off or out of their holders and placed back, with a few exceptions and she pointed them out.

"Jenni, Alba and Marie have to remain behind." she said.

"Like ruttin' the sphincter o' hell they'll be left behind!" his voice toned with half a barking order and an upset whine. "I just dun tol' that they are e-sen-she-all! For jobs Vera is too darned good for, Alba and Marie are the ones to replace her!"

"They are far too large on your shoulders." River said looking at the bulky rifles that swung off his arms by straps. "And as for Jenni…."

"Aw, doll…what you got against Jenni? She's a beaut!"

"We do not have the time for the full comprehensive list of what is wrong with Jenni."

"Would it make ya feel better if I left Nanci behind instead?"

"Irrelevant."

"Greta?"

"You do not need any of them."

"Don't you dare start going Mal-i-fied on me! We're takin' 'em all an' that's final! Dong ma??!"

River just smiled, loving how easily she was able to tease him so. However she was right, but she decided upon not telling him once again until everyone else did. She grasped her hands lightly behind her back and watched with wide adoring eyes as Jayne "high-lariously" clambered up the ladder of his bunk. The rack on the wall was nearly bare, only a few weapons were left behind, which was just another sign of Jayne's obsession. He was taking this far too seriously.

* * *

"Jayne! What in gorram hell are you doing?!"

"You can't take her, Jayne!"

"There is no way I'm going to let him, Inara, believe me!"

"It's ridiculous!"

"It's gone beyond excessive I feel."

The tall merc ignored the crew's ranting concerns and focused on the most important piece strapped to his chest. Mal stepped forward, his face contorted with a confusing fear at what must have been over twenty (but knowing Jayne there could have been much more) weapons strapped, chained, clipped and draped over his body. It was far to excessive. He was a sight to behold though; dressed in his combat trousers, tight yellow t-shirt, his favourite orange hat and even with the masses of weapons attached to him, Mal's hired gun really didn't look that menacing right now.

"This really ain't necessary, Jayne. Take 'em all off and do it quickly…we are on a deadline!"

"But Cap'ain…it's Seren's first time off the boat!"

"Then just take her…you don't need all those…" Mal paused before the swear words could come out. "Guns and stuff."

"Sir…with all respect…"

Jayne snarled at Simon as the doctor coughed rather loudly into his balled up fist.

"I ain't leaving non'o'them. You never know what's gonna happen."

"Jayne." Zoe shook her head. "Ain't nothin' going to happen. You know full well nothin' don't happen when we get jobs from Dirk. They're legitimate and legal and he is blood to the community's leader, no one going to start a fight. I especially hope you won't be if you're takin' Seren."

"Sorry, Zoe…but I ain't takin' no risks!" Jayne gazed down at his chest and Zoe knew that as soon as he started pulling those faces and muttering like that, there was no way she was going to get through to him.

"I think it's sweet." said Kaylee as she and River came walking down the cargo bay's stairs. "It's a side to Jayne that we don't see often."

"It's a creepifyin' side, is what!" said Mal, who really was getting impatient. "River will you tell your worst half to stop foolin' around and take those….things off?"

River only giggled as a memory came back to her, a memory of the last time she told Jayne to _"take those things off."_ When Jayne laughed as well, the crew all backed away with distinct "eww" grimaces on their faces.

"Fine!" Mal threw his arms up in disgust and headed for the bay doors. "Just don't do anything Jayne like if the locals question you 'bout them is all."

Now that everyone was ready to go, they followed their captain to the ramp, Jayne bringing up the rear. When the light streamed in the bay and the ramp finally touched down on the surface, the mercenary paused at the top and beamed a wide satisfied grin down at his chest.

"Here we goes, lil' star. First trip to shore…it gonna be fun, huh?"

From the sheltered and bullet proof (thanks Kaylee) holder strapped to his chest, a tiny little hand reached up towards him. Jayne held out a large finger and welled up something mighty as the whole fist clenched tightly around it.

"I sincerely hope that your niece don't grow up to be like him, doc." said Mal, frowning as Jayne cooed and burbled to the gurgling young baby girl jiggling about in her armoured holder.

Simon turned round to look at his brother in law. When Jayne began waving an ammo clip above his daughter's wide brown eyes, he prayed that Book and God would help give him strength to make sure that didn't happen.

End.

_Seren - Welsh meaning Star._


End file.
